Since Taobao no longer sells girlfriends, you have to make do with the one(s) you are currently stuck with. You know how these things pan out – if you mess it up it’s hell on earth; if you do everything right it’s hell on earth within the confines of a loving marriage.
I’m jesting, of course. A fulfilling relationship is a wondrous thing to have but it does take effort to maintain and that entails the occasional chut pattern. Here’s a little shortlist of items you could get on Taobao to supplement your intended pattern to chut. It’s not just about buying the right stuff, but also doing and saying the right things that ensure you get the most pow for your pattern (translate: bang for your buck).
1. Scrapbook (keyword to search on Taobao: 剪贴簿)
It’s boring, it’s cliche, most guys don’t have enough sense of aesthetics to pull it off. But it’s also sweet, shows effort and cute when you pull together something thoughtful but that looks completely clumsy. Practice your best puppy eyes and drop it on her with your awkward little catalogue of your first 100 days together to score a kiss on the forehead and license to not chut any pattern for the next hundred days. Worthwhile investment, if you ask me.
$3+ for stickers you’d need to pay $7-$12 for in Singapore
2. The moon
Takes a bit more planning and
outright manipulation pushing her in the right direction to perform. All you need to do is to get your girl to say “get me the moon” and then leave her with the expectation that you will never join NASA and become an astronaut. Next step is NOT to chut your pattern on a special occasion. Like badminton, the best patterns chut-ted are those that your opponent don’t expect. Sneak into her room and put this up on a random day:
See how excited the girl in the picture looks.
“I couldn’t get you the moon, but I want you to know I’ll always try my best for you.”
Sincere apologies if you passed out from them feels or from vomiting after reading that last sentence – great to have you back with us. BUT BAM. CHECKMATE.
If you’re a bit more hardworking and want to zhng (translate: enhance) your pattern, you can throw these in as well:
A fair note of warning though; if you’re pulling this as your first ever stunt for your girl, be prepared to join NASA for your next trick.
3. Heat pack
If you’re a newbie, here’s a simple one that’s not too difficult to perform, not too mind-blowing that it creates unrealistic expectations but still a pretty sweet way to make your girl’s day.
girl not included.
What’s this do? It’s an electrically charged heat pack – they use it for winter in China, but it also helps a ton with your girl’s menstrual cramps. Get this and keep it until she complains to you about cramps. Wherever either of you are, bring it to her. Do it after work if you have to; just make an easy trip down to her place unannounced and pass it to her because you care.
Between the heat from the pack and the warmth from your sweet, sweet love, she’ll forget what cramps are for that week at least. Probably because she melted into a pool of water and puddles don’t get cramps.
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