How To Poop Quietly Without Embarrassing Yourself

Last Updated on 2022-05-14 , 1:52 pm

I’m pretty sure if you’re in this article, it’s because you’re bored, or you really, really want to know how to poop quietly.

Especially when you’re in a public place and you know your big business is going to be, well, big and noisy.

You cannot tahan already but you’re afraid of them hearing you let go. Just imagine people hearing your poop dropping into the toilet bowl piece by piece.

Then they give you that special look when you exit your cubicle, like why did you just do that.

If you ever find yourself in that situation (I know I have!), then these 6 useful tips will definitely teach you how to poop without making noise.

Aim at where your shit goes

Okay, aiming is not just reserved for peeing, for the guys, you’d know what I mean when I say aim for the fly in the urinal, but when you’re taking a dump as well. Do you know what makes the loudest noise?

When your faeces hit the water in the toilet bowl; they actually sound like rocks splashing into the water and well, no one wants to hear that during their meals.

So this is what I say, aim to let your shit land on the walls – not the walls of the toilet, of course, but on the inner walls of the bowl.

If you do that, chances are the loud splash splash splash noises will be reduced to quieter splat splat splat. If you’re doing it on a sitting toilet bowl, just let half of your butt sit on the bowl. If you’re squatting, that’s a bit trickier.

You’d have to watch your posture and evaluate the distance of each landing and make adjustments as necessary.

Tough but you did want to learn how to poop quietly, didn’t you?

Cough…loudly

Okay, this is a bit trickier, but depending on your age, I’m sure you can do it.

What is required for this tip is to really know your own body really well. Depending on the kind of ache or feel you have before the shit comes out, you can actually predict the resultant sounds.

For example, you can feel it leaving your rectum, but you feel a bit of wind as well, this means other than the shit, you’re going to fart…loudly.

So just cough loudly, but make it seem natural because unnatural coughing can actually bring you more embarrassment.

People will then know that you tried to cover up but failed.

Control the rate

If your shit comes out at too fast a rate, this simply means you have lesser time to exert precautionary measures.

Try to exercise your muscles and control the rate of letting go, trust us, it’s harder to control something that goes pi-pi-pi-piakpiak-pi-bop than something that goes plop……pip…..plop……plop.

That’s number three of how to shit quietly.

Force yourself to fart first

If you feel the urge, yet feel the wind still in your tummy, force yourself to fart out all the gases in some dark corner before making the trip to the toilet.

Why? Because nothing can be more embarrassing than giving a loud fart followed by slimy plops.

It’s not just for quiet shitting. It’s how to shit without farting.

Flush the toilet

This may sound wasteful, but sometimes, the need to save-face far outweighs the need to save money.

As a last resort, if you know something huge is coming and there’s nothing you can do to stop or control it, just flush the toilet.

This is usually enough to mask any embarrassing noise that you make. Try to keep it to a minimum though since it will use a lot of water, and Singapore needs all the water it can conserve.

Make some noise!

No, we’re not asking you to go ‘woohoo!’ or anything strange. Instead, you can switch on some music, or turn the television sound higher. Something to distract the people eating from focusing on every sound that you make coming out of the toilet.

And by the way, do you know that cats’ poo might contact a parasite that makes you love them? Watch this video to the end to know more: