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10 Reasons Why People in S’pore Should NEVER Download the Goody Feed App

2021-03-05 , 11:06 am

Last Updated on 2021-12-24 , 12:50 pm

You’re here because you hate Goody Feed as much as you hate YouTube asking you to subscribe to YouTube Premium, and that’s completely understandable.

Most of us know Goody Feed as an online factory that produces low-quality articles that are clickbaity and filled with countless cold jokes that appeared to be written by underpaid interns who seemed to know fewer words than Teletubbies. Their videos claim to be informative but it’s so boring, watching paint dry is more exciting.

Those are reason enough not to download the Goody Feed app, but if that’s not convincing enough, then here are ten more reasons why you should not download their app.

You Like to Read Stuff That You Don’t Understand

You’ve been reading twenty articles about Brexit and still wonder why Boris Johnson didn’t just build a wall. You’ve watched ten videos about Brexit and only knew the name of the cat outside 10 Downing Street.

Despite that, you want to stay confused over what Brexit is.

Then don’t download the Goody Feed app, because the folks at Goody Feed can expertly simplify difficult topics into easy-to-understand articles.

Like in the case of Brexit, the cats in Goody Feed used an HDB flat as an example so that even a five-year-old kid can understand what the heck is going on in the UK.

The app makes you woke, so don’t download it if you prefer to stay asleep.

You Like to Know Half the Story

Much like your YouTube watch history whereby you’ve never once finished a video, you like knowing just half a story.

So far, you’re still not certain who’s the President of the United States because from what you understand, they’re still counting the votes. You’re also wondering where Ivan Lim is now.

Then avoid the Goody Feed app, because every single article is so in-depth and complete, you’d know more than what’s on the headline.

Reader Bao: You mean you guys know what happened to Ivan Lim?

You Like Language That’s Written for PhD Holders

You hate it when people use the word “happy” instead of “elated”. Heck, you hate the previous sentence because I should have used the word “utilize” instead of “use”.

The Goody Feed team always ensure that the readability level of an article is as low as possible, which means each sentence is short and doesn’t require a long time to process.

It’s a deliberate move to hold people’s attention because like what the cats in 10 Bukit Batok Crescent once said, “We’re not here to impress you with our extensive diction but here to inform you with our simple language.”

Dict-what?

You Don’t Like to Laugh

Some people call you a “killjoy”, but you’re just being an honest chap: laughing is for the weak, and moving around with the tips of your lips down suit you better.

To ensure that even the most boring content gets read, Goody Feed tries to include jokes that have been said to be unfunny, so you’d better avoid the app lest you’re found laughing in public.

An example? This article. If you can call it an article, that is.

You Like to See A Lot of Advertisements While Reading An Article

Reading an article without seeing an advertisement persuading you to buy the dress you’ve seen last month is akin to drinking bubble tea without the pearls: it’s meaningless.

You love banner advertisements: the more, the merrier. If so, the app is indeed not for you: with no advertisements within the contents, you won’t feel at home with it. I mean, come on: even Netflix has advertisements in their contents.

Wait, there isn’t? Then why my Netflix—

You Know the Full Ingredients of Your Shampoo and Soap

Unlike Ah Hock or Ah Huay, you don’t use your phone in the toilet. Instead, you opt to enrich yourself with chemistry lessons like memorising the ingredient list of your shampoo.

Then the Goody Feed app shouldn’t be on your phone, because according to unverified sources, the app is best used in the toilet. This is also why some people called it the “shitty app”.

You Don’t Like to Know What’s Happening in Singapore and Around the World

You live in your own world and don’t want to know that cats are no longer banned In HDB flats (bad news: it’s still banned). In fact, you once think that avoiding the NS notification letter would exempt you from NS but of course, you now know that you’re wrong, and also know how the food in Detention Barrack tastes like.

If so, avoid the app at all cost; the app is updated so regularly and quickly, you’d miss out on what’s happened this morning if you go to the app at night.

You Like to Read Boring & Dry Stuff

You love reading boring and dry stuff, much like how you love watching paint dry. It doesn’t matter that those boring articles lull you to sleep; you just love them.

Then the Goody Feed app isn’t a good fit for you because if you can find a boring and dry article in it, we’d buy a McDonald’s meal for every household in Jurong North.

You Like to Read Fake News

To you, Donald Trump is right: most media outlets are fake news, and the real news is news you want to believe in.

If so, then the Goody Feed app might have countless fake news so they won’t appeal to you. I know the subheading doesn’t justify the previous sentence, but I’ve learned that reasoning with someone who interprets the phrase “fake news” differently isn’t going to end well. Just ask Joe Biden.

You Didn’t Manage to Read to This Point

You hate Goody Feed so much that you can’t even read to this very last point, so just do yourself a favour and share this article with others and let them suffer instead.

But if you somehow managed to reach this point, a miracle might have happened: you’ve just completed a Goody Feed article despite your deep repugnance for it, and while you’re satisfactorily convinced that the Goody Feed app isn’t for you, facts don’t lie: our writing, despite its shortcomings, has achieved one goal: keeping you engage while educating you.

So just download the shitty app here. Click here to download.