SGSecure is without a question, the best app of all time.
Yeah, we did an article in 2017 on this app, but that’s outdated.
(This article was written with a huge dose of sarcasm and imagination. Some say with hallucination aids.)
When I downloaded and told my boss about the SGSecure app, we immediately received multiple sponsorship offers from various companies. I encouraged more people to download the app, and my pay immediately increased, the boss decided to make me a director of the company.
I also immediately got multiple matches on Tinder, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel. SG Secure gave me financial security, emotional security, familial security and romantic security.
You may not believe me, so let’s look at the very real reviews left on the app instead. What I mean is that I have solid proof that SG Secure is the greatest app that will solve all our life problems.
Meeting the Avengers
It starts with the mundane here, truly proving that SGSecure can help you with any facet of your life. Here, a user recounts how the Thanos snap left him without toilet paper.
SGSecure app helped him contact the Avengers, who not only gave him a toilet paper roll and also the Endgame movie.
Digging deeper, it is revealed that in an alternative timeline that is probably not one of the 14,000,605 futures that Dr Strange saw, SGSecure helped to defeat Thanos by calling on the SAF Howitzer guns.
One user also reveals a hidden function of the app: breaching the fourth dimension of time to reach even times when the smartphone didn’t exist. Here, he/she revealed how in 1965, SGSecure called on Dr Strange to use the time stone to save his/her life from a bomb.
New Avengers: Capt SG?
With how SGSecure helped the Avengers in completing their missions, you can bet that a Singaporean hero will rise up to the challenge soon.
One user got lost in Mt Tate, Japan, and realised that there was little hope. He was threatened with hypothermia, starvation, and a 1% battery with no possible way to contact anyone.
But wait, a quick photo of the sky with the SGSecure app and Capt SG shows up to send him/her back to SG. He didn’t even have to chop his passport!
Maybe you can’t imagine what Capt SG might look like, so here’s a Doctor Majulah who may or may not be affiliated.
Why Haven’t We Encountered Aliens?
Another user recalls being kidnapped by aliens. With the SGSecure, he/she had nothing to worry about since Space Marines saved him/her pretty efficiently.
Don’t see any aliens around? Good. You have SGSecure to thank for that.
SGSecure Helped Make Friends
But SGSecure isn’t just for security purposes. It recognises that social health is part of civil security, and that means helping people form relationships.
One particular user had her day brightened up with over 100 policemen and firemen celebrating her birthday.
Another had no boyfriend until SGSecure gave her a harem, proving that the app is secretly a dating app too.
What are you waiting for? Download SGSecure and your life will instantly be better.
You can download SGSecure on the Play Store and Apple Store for more awesome reviews.
All of the reviews were rated 5/5, of course.
And with that… remember to never leave home without the SGSecure app.
Here’s a simplified summary of the South Korea martial law that even a 5-year-old would understand:
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