Justin Bieber Getting Married After ‘Dating for 1 Month’

Yes, my distant Beliebers, the man you all worship like a modern Jesus is going to be taken away, and it’s not even to Selena Gomez.

Instead, Justin is reported to have been engaged to Hailey Baldwin after one month of whirlwind courtship, following a previous dating period in 2016.

…did he just steal Amos Yee’s look?

Yeah, we get it; it’s totally hard to digest. It’s like trying to eat a broccoli, and realising that you’re actually eating a cauliflower: it’s just impossible to comprehend.

But as such, we’ve derived the basic information, and dispersed them in a ‘Justin Bieber Gets Engaged For Dummies’ Style, so that you can get up to date with whatever your golden-haired Jesus is doing nowadays. So without further ado…

Let’s get the Bieber show on the road.

The Look

In order to have long hair and still look manly – oh, wait. That’s not what you’re here for? Okay, moving on.

Proposal

According to US entertainment website TMZ, eyewitnesses claim to have witnessed Bieber, 24, ask for 21-year-old Baldwin’s hand in marriage at a restaurant in the Bahamas on Saturday (7 July). And this is apparently what went down:

Bieber’s security team is believed to have informed others at the restaurant to keep their phones, before the singer set about his proposing routine.

Additionally, Baldwin’s father, actor Stephen Baldwin, apparently confirmed the news in a tweet, although it was later taken down.

“Sweet smile on my face! me&wife (Kennya) Always pray 4 Gods will!!” his tweet supposedly read.

“He is moving in the hearts of JB&HB. Let’s all pray for His will to be done. Love you 2 so much!!! #Godstiming #bestisyettocome.”

He also tagged Bieber’s parents and wrote ‘congrats’, while sharing a verse from the Bible.

It didn’t help that Bieber’s dad happened to post a cryptic post on Instagram at the same time either.

“Proud is an understatement! Excited for the next chapter!” the caption read.

Well, maybe he just won the Top 10 Most Popular Male Artistes in Star Awards. Who knows.

Mt Twitter erupted

Somewhere in the world, a mountain shaped in the form of a blue bird erupted (simply because people in the US use Twitter more instead of Facebook).

And somewhere in Bukit Batok, a mountain erupted too.

WHAT HE GOT MARRIED? BUT HE’S SUPPOSED TO MARRY ME – Colleague A

NO, ME – Colleague B

SELENA DESERVES BETTER. JUSTIN’S A JERK – PRETTY GIRL 99

A brief history

Contrary to what our dubiously clickbait title might have you believe, Justin didn’t actually date Hailey Baldwin for a mere month. Or at least chronologically speaking anyway.

Truth (the paparazzi’s version of it) be told, they have actually been romantically linked for years (since being reportedly introduced to each other by Hailey’s dad in 2009), but nothing solid came out of it till 2016, when the golden-haired Jesus posted this.

Yeah, way to announce a relationship.

However, their relationship eventually fizzled out, until last month when their “on-off” relationship was confirmed.

But wait

Wait, wait just a moment.

Amidst all the rumours, you can’t help but wonder where Selena is. And what she thinks of this entire hoo-hah.

Is she crying over her lost love? Salvaging all the photos of her and Justin?

Well as it turns out…

She doesn’t really give a fart.

In the picture above, you can see a wild Selena Gomez leaning back in her chair, cool as a cucumber. In fact if I didn’t know better, I would have mistaken the picture as a classic ‘ I don’t give a shit’ meme.

Think I’m being particularly harsh? Well apparently, several social media fan accounts support that claim too, stating that if anything, Selena’s actually appears to be more chill than ever.

Though of course, we know that Selena can act. So it might not really be the end.

Moral of the story

If the rumours are true, it would mean that Justin Bieber’s off the market, a notion that would surely tear the hearts of fangirls around the world asunder.

As such, the moral of the story here, my fair ladies and gentlemen…

Is to avoid obsessing over a celebrity.

Because let’s face it. Only drama and comics characters get to experience some magical meet-up with their favourite celebrities.

And unless you’re especially lucky..

You will do better to avoid setting yourself up for disappointment.

Now you know what Singaporeans are talking about today; do check back tomorrow for another piece of news of the day!