Florida.
It’s a word that sounds wholesome, because it sounds like a place of flowers and rainbows and sunshine.
But in reality…
Uh, just another day in Florida I guess.
Is this what Yishun aspired to be?
And today’s Florida man feature is someone who enticed an alligator to bite him and then poured beer into the gator’s mouth.
Now, even after reading it the second time, I betcha’re still confused by that sentence that’s only possible in 2019. Historians of the future, I’m sorry for being part of the 21st-century human race who made your work pretty darn hard to understand.
The Complaint Against The Florida Man
In August 2019, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission got a complaint about someone holding an alligator and then enticing it to bite him before pouring beer into the gator’s mouth.
It’s the third time reading that sentence and I’m still confused.
The complaints were made against Timothy Kepke, 27, and Noah Osborne, 22.
On 17 September 2019, officers then went to Kepke’s home, and asked him about the video.
What video? Oh, the Florida Man (I guess Men in this case) also recorded their actions and uploaded it to social media.
The alligator is actually smaller than expected. In the video, you can see Kepke holding a small alligator, before making it bite him.
He then poured beer into the alligator’s mouth.
The alligator can then be seen convulsing and spasming violently.
I guess the alligator didn’t quite like cheap beer. God damn pretentious alligators with their sophisticated taste buds.
He Wasn’t Drunk
Later, Kepke told the officers that he was indeed the person in the video.
His friend Osborne had caught the reptile with his bare hands along Ranchwood Street in Palm City at about 10 pm on 26 August 2019. And so Kepke decided to do what he did in the video.
They then released the alligator.
Kepke had a couple of beers, but he wasn’t drunk when it happened.
So then… why…?
No one really knows why, but I’m guessing that they just wanted another drinking buddy. After the alligator showed its disdain for cheap beer, they decided that they just couldn’t be regular drinking buds and it wasn’t meant to be.
Kepke also told officers that a female friend was present on that day, who officers then talked to on 21 Sep. The friend confirmed what Osborne and Kepke said, though she thought the reptile bit Kepke because of what he did.
They Were Arrested On 3 October
Kepke and Osborne were both arrested on 3 October on one felony charge each of unlawfully taking an alligator.
They were taken to the Martin County Jail with S$5,000 and S$2,500 bonds respectively and then released later.
Now you’re probably wondering why the police gotta do this to poor men who just wanted to show our fellow reptilian Earthlings a good time with booze.
But that’s because you don’t know the Florida Alligators. Those alligators were dubbed the Meth-gators. Just look:
The alligators are a noble species and only the worthy can gain their trust.
Would you be jailed for being half-naked in public? Well, the answer will shock you. Seriously. Watch this to the end and you'll understand:
