We’ve all had that one crazy party where we had way too much to drink.
You wake up the next day with your underwear on your head and a tablecloth around your waist and wonder what the hell happened.
Or you wake up and find out a friend drew a dick on your face, but you were too drunk to notice.
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Or, you know, you could wake up and discover that your penis has been cut off and eaten by your friend while you were passed-out-drunk.
Because that’s exactly what happened to this man in Kenya.
Friend Hacked Off Genitals and Ate It
One day, Mr Moses Wanyoike went out with his friends for a night of drinking, as many of us do.
They weren’t amateur drinkers like us, however. No, these people are the heavyweight champions of drinking.
They drank for six hours until they were drunk as a skunk, after which they decided to head back home at 2am.
According to the Daily Mail, one of Wanyoike’s friends repeatedly mentioned wanting to circumcise Mr Wanyoike but he dismissed it as a bad joke.
But a bad joke it was not.
Neighbours Woken to Sound of His Screams
Wanyoike was so blackout drunk that he didn’t notice his missing member until he went to the toilet and looked down to see a bloody mess.
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I’m sure male readers everywhere are grimacing at this very moment, because I can barely write this without wincing every five minutes.
His screams of horror even woke up the neighbours, reported the Daily Mail.
Local county assembly representative James Karanja rushed Wanyoike to the hospital as he was losing a lot of blood.
“He was in a total mess. He was bleeding profusely and had his pair of trousers torn from the back”, one witness said.
So what happened to the man’s genitals?
Oh, his friend ate it, you read the title, remember?
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No one can confirm this, but news reports say this was a “horrific cannibal attack” and according to news site mpasho, locals suggested that his attacker “later munched on his body parts”.
So, when the people at the scene tried looking for the missing member, they couldn’t find it.
How true is this is unknown, but of course we’re going to put that as the headline to clickbait you in.
Drugs or madness?
One wonders what drove the attacker to do such a thing. Mr Karanja suspects it was drugs, saying “such a bizarre act can’t be done by sober-minded people. They must have been taking drugs and this is becoming a problem in our society.”
Or maybe he was just a really big fan of Hannibal.
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The suspect, Gerald Mbugua, has been arrested by the police. Investigations are ongoing and Karanja says they will press charges once they are through.
I’ve written about many weird things in my time at Goody Feed, but this one takes the cake.
After reading such a story I can only offer the following advice: Drink responsibly, and if a friend jokes about cutting your dick off, stay very, very far away from him and be extra protective of your little guy.
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