Picture this (or at least try to): you’re out skiing in the mountains when you get a series of text notifications on your phone.
“What’s this? Spammed confessions from my crush? Aw shucks you didn’t have to…”
Grinning from ear to ear, you tap on the notification and a video begins to play.
A doorbell video, which you’d specially installed beforehand to make sure that your crush wasn’t stalking you.
“Aw, you don’t have to deliver a love letter yourself… I’m more than willing to crawl through the dog flap in your house to steal one!”
Chuckling, you watch as a man rings the doorbell and slowly but surely attempt to break into your house. He seems to be intoxicated.
“A thief? Good luck with that,” you smirk. Such was your confidence in your house security system.
As you expected, the thief soon gave up. But your victorious smile was quickly kicked aside when the thief heads over to a corner of the porch and starts to take off his pants.
“What’s he doing…” you whisper as the man adopts a position that’s best described as optimal for bowel movement. “N-No…”
You can almost imagine someone going “Own time own target.”
Watch: Man Captured By Doorbell Camera Defecating On A Resident’s Porch While Intoxicated
Now, the introductory paragraph might be a tad bit exaggerated, but the gist is true:
An intoxicated man rang the doorbell of a vacated house and started defecating all over the owner’s porch.
Truly, it’s something akin to harakiri for OCD-afflicted personnel.
An unidentified man had entered the porch of a home in Denver’s Capitol Hill neighbourhood on early Saturday morning (14 December 2019), when he decided to take a rather impolite defecating tour around the porch.
It was all captured on a doorbell camera.
“I’m on Gondola 1, heading back down at the end of the day. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” McCoy said. He had been skiing in the mountains over the weekend.
According to McCoy, the shitty incident unfolded over the course of 41 different doorbell videos.
The culprit seemed to be intoxicated.
Having first rung the bell, the suspect then tried to break into the home, just before 2.00am. When his efforts proved futile, he resigned to a corner of the porch and began defecating on it, before spending the next few hours “stumbling” and “spreading feces” all over the porch.
“Unfortunately, he then touches lots of furniture, other parts of the wall, and a window. That’s how we ended up with the current situation where there is excrement all over the porch,” McCoy said.
“Initially you’re a little bit angry that someone has violated your front porch—someone has soiled up your front porch,” he added.
The incident took place at south Capitol Hill, and the culprit was suspected to have come from a nearby bar or Christmas party.
McCoy has not touched any of the “evidence” since then and is currently waiting for the police to file a report first. He did, however, put up a little apology sign for the mailman and co.
“I did put a little apology sign up, just because I imagine the mailman and others that stop by will wonder what in the world happened on this porch,” he said, referencing a sign stuck to one of the ottomans on the porch.
And The Hunt’s On
Meanwhile, McCoy has taken the story to Facebook and Nextdoor in an attempt to uncover the identity of the culprit. And despite the majority of responses revolving around puns in a way, McCoy has allegedly received a few tips.
“A person who has a cousin that works at a bar pretty close to here offered to contact that person and see if they recognized him. Another person thought they might have recognized them from a dating app, if you can believe that.”
McCoy has also expressed his unwillingness to press charges.
“I don’t know this person—maybe they lost their job, maybe their girlfriend dumped them. Maybe they have a sick parent, and this drinking had something to do with that. That would make it more understandable.”
Instead, all he wants is an apology, or perhaps a helping hand when cleaning the porch the next day.
“I’d certainly love to make contact with them and get an apology, if that’s what they want to do, or maybe get an extra hand cleaning up the porch tomorrow.”
Well, McCoy, that’s incredibly big-hearted of you. Had it been me, I would’ve probably burnt the whole porch down…
Or just get the dude to compensate me… extra.
As such, kudos to you McCoy! And we hope that the culprit will be repentant when he’s eventually located.
He better be, for the sake of McCoy’s tainted porch.