A S’porean Gives 4 Reasons Why He Hated Durians

Last Updated on 2023-03-18 , 4:03 pm

I’m a Singaporean, and I’ve something to confess:

I absolutely hate durians.

And it’s not just because of the fruit’s smell, that’s so bad it could potentially drive a wedge between the now agreeable Trump-Kim ‘alliance’.

Rather, despite being promoted as a superfruit, it might have actual health complications.

Before we continue, however, note that this is a commentary. And as such it will involve some of my personal views. So please, if you’re easily triggered, stay away from this article because it might just serve as an uppercut to your throat.

You’ve been warned.

And if you’re still wondering…yes, I’m a true-blue Singaporean. And yes, I’ve just served my NS.

(Editor’s note: In fact he’s going for his IPPT today)

Smell

I know the phrase ‘Never judge a book by its cover’ applies.

But let’s face it; nobody ever said ‘Never judge a book by its smell‘.

And if you ask me, smell’s pretty much… everything. 

Let’s take a member of the opposite sex. He/she looks pretty much perfect physically wise, with defined cheekbones and accentuated body shapes. At this point, you’re just about ready to fall into his/her arms and let the person take you to Lalaland.

Walk closer, however, and your nose crinkles up, because you’ve just smelt something arguably worse than death. You have absolutely no idea where it’s stemming from, and as a result follow the stench with your nose like a well-bred dog. Before long you find yourself sniffing the armpit of the aforementioned Romeo/Juliet.

Almost instantaneously, you withdraw and feel repulsed, because as attractive as he/she looks, the smell is enough to make you puke and you want nothing to do with it.

And suffice it to say that durians are exactly the same, with one single difference:

They don’t look appetising too.

Health

Now, I’m aware that durians are portrayed as superfruits, in the sense that they turn you into Superman after consumption. Health wise anyway.

But did you know that they have some side effects you might not have been aware of?

For example, durians are purported to support:

• An increased risk of diabetes
• Miscarriage
• Heart disease
• Kidney disorders
• General heatiness

Admittedly most of those symptoms can be attributed to an excessive intake of durians, but you can’t help but wonder when enough’s enough, seeing how the flesh is supposed to be unpredictably delicious.

Plus, apparently, durian could also be potentially lethal, especially when mixed with alcohol (production of sulfur) or coffee (digestive problems, which can lead to intestines and stomach cavities). While this was later dispelled in several articles, the fact remains that you can get distinct heartburn, abdominal cramps and stomach discomfort from combinations.

Which is pretty much the same as death, in my books.

It’s a bomb in disguise

And I’m not stating it simply because it’s shaped like a grenade.

Rather, it’s because the fruit is a literal caloric bomb.

With an average 1 kg sized durian constituting close to 1,350 calories (more than half of your daily recommended caloric intake, mind you), it’s really not one to have on a constant basis, if at all.

And get this; one seed takes up 54 whopping calories, which means that..

You will have to embark on a 7 minute jog just to burn one single seed off.

As my army friend would probably put it…

Rabak sia.

It doesn’t always taste heavenly

I’ve heard family and friends say this again and again:

“Just try it. Once you get past the smell everything tastes heavenly.”

And indeed, after having a first-hand experience of eating cockroaches, I did wonder whether I’m just too stubborn to accept their point of view.

In case you think that I’m kidding when I said I’ve eaten cockroaches, here’s a video proof:

(By the way, we did that because one of us decided to clickbait by adding “We’ll eat a cockroach if you didn’t…” in a video. And that “one of us” isn’t in the video eating cockroaches #IHateGoodyFeed)

But as it turns out, the concept of ‘everything tastes heavenly’ might not actually work out in everyone’s favour.

This writer, for example, tried durian and found himself tasting not ice cream or honey, but “rotting garbage, with the texture of mango that has decayed so badly it has turned into mush”.

Thereafter, he vomited so badly his dinner went right out with it. #bestexperienceever

But of course, you can argue that he’s the black sheep in the family. But what about this Reddit thread that’s catered to the age old dilemma…

To eat or not to eat? Durians, that is.

While the comments in the thread aren’t as off-putting as the one above (there are a few complimentary responses), it does have its fair share of dislikes.

And this video just about sums up my side of the story.

So, I’m not alone.

Durians

I’m a Singaporean, and I can’t lie; I hate durians.

And here’s the thing; it’s not just because the fruit smells like a corpse drizzled with rat innards.

It’s also not just because it causes possible stomach discomfort, is pretty heaty, constitutes more calories than a fricking chocolate bar or is generally pretty hi-risk for first-time consumers.

Rather, it’s a combination of everything.

As such, call me a pussy cat if you will but read this:

I’m not approaching a durian even with a ten foot pole that neutralises the very concept of smell.