Christmas is coming up, and you have no idea what to get for your girlfriend. And that’s bad, really bad.
Troubled, you run crying to your best friend of 20 years, the Wise Old Man, and ask him for advice.
“Young man,” he wheezes. “You… have come to the right person. In my heyday, I dated more than 20 beauties, and I gifted them all different Christmas presents. I’m not trying to be arrogant, but I dare say I’m the most qualified to give advice on this topic.”
You wipe the snot off your nose and look eagerly at him. “Really? So what’s something they would want?
He looked at the sky with a discerning gaze. “You’ll be well-advised to get her a ***** from that *** shop in *******. Women would never openly declare it, but they love that shit.”
You look at him blankly, before looking at the screen. “Psst… Goody Feed’s child-friendly, so let’s tone things down alright?”
The Wise Old Man coughed. “My bad, nearly forgot. Well, how about a free membership pass on *******? Women love that shit.”
“That’s not any better…”
“Erm…” the Wise Old Man stroked his beard.
“Why did I even come to you in the first place?” you yell. “Give me my time back. Give me my long-lost youth back!”
“You lost it a long time ago, young man…”
You sob uncontrollably, whining about how your girlfriend resembles a fat cow. (The boss said it.)
Sighing, he continues: “But I hear you, and I shall comply as such. The first gift you should get for her is…”
1. Romance Novels
Girls love romance stories. It’s a proven. Just look at that best-selling trilogy with all the romantic lashes and kisses. They love it.
So it stands to reason that a romance novel will not just work, but work extremely well. And what better than a Singaporean classic to get her Christmas all lighted up?
This is the stuff of Christmas dreams, my friend. She’ll definitely dig it.
Confirm plus chop. If not, our boss will swallow 20 raw cockroaches complete with cockroach milk and cockroach lice cream.
Warning: there’s a 99% chance that she will fall in love with the charismatic, funny and altogether awesome author though.
P/S: The author doesn’t allow us to put his picture so…oh, well. Use your imagination.
2. One All-Expenses Paid Shopping Spree
Yeah, I know this isn’t exactly a gift-wrapped present, but just hear me out first.
There’s one thing about girls: they love shopping. Of course, there are guys guilty of that as well, but at the risk of sounding sexist here, I’ll say that girls like it even more.
So here’s the deal: why not consider a shopping spree for your girlfriend?
Of course, you’ll probably have to eat Instant Noodles for two years straight after that, but it’ll be worth it.
Just look at the joy on that dude’s face. #priceless
According to my female colleague, girls tend to have cuddling fetishes.
So you know what I’m thinking?
A teddy bear.
Yes, an honest to goodness, adorable teddy bear.
Not this one in particular, of course, but you get what I’m saying.
It’ll be perfect for those nights you aren’t in town too; you never know when they’ll start hooking up with the local Toms & Jerrys.
4. Hotel Staycation
What’s even more romantic than a stale family gathering with stern family members trying their best to look jovial and just ending up looking real constipated?
A hotel staycation, that’s what it is!
Spend a romantic night together at an exquisite hotel of your choice, far away from your pesky family members and with only each other’s company.
It’ll be an awesome night. Guaranteed.
Unless you say her jeans look fat. In which case I think you would be better off with your stern family members and eating some cold turkey.
5. No Games Day
Your girlfriend totally loves you.
Unless you’re playing games. That’s when you become a salty douche bag who yells at her to go to the kitchen and make you a sandwich.
Which is where Christmas comes in! Gift her the best Christmas Day gift of her life by promising that you will conduct a No Games Day.
For that one day, you’ll be hers alone. No games, no salty douche bag, no sandwiches. Just your fakest smile and her.
And phones, televisions and other distractions, but she doesn’t have to know that.
6. Luxurious bags
Unless your girlfriend is that one-in-a-million pick who likes to live life thriftily and sensibly, your significant other would probably sport quite a number of ‘price-taggish’ bags.
While it might effectively kill off your wallet, you could always consider going for the branded options. They will make your girl happy, and that’s the key point.
No, I’m not encouraging you to get your girlfriend new lingerie. It will probably just cause her to snap, “Oh, so you think my nightwear isn’t sexy enough? Are you dissing my taste now? So you don’t love me? Alright, fine, let’s break up.”
And you don’t want that. It’s a pain in the ass, seeing how you will walk into a bar heartbroken and get comforted by a manly dude in denim.
Instead, get some fashionable clothing you think will look great on her. Or something you totally want to see her in. Just make sure that it looks good. Or she’s probably going to chuck it in your face and say, “Let’s break up.”
Alternatively, you can also get shoes. Make sure to measure tape her heels when she’s in the shower so that she doesn’t latch on to your plan.
Because honestly, there’s nothing worse than getting a pair of shoes one size too small.
It makes them cranky.
Of course, if you subscribe to the Chinese belief that giving shoes to people is like asking them to walk out of your life, don’t do it.
Unless you want her to, that is. #HowToBreakUpWithoutLookingLikeADouche
8. Couple bracelets
Apparently, girls have a fetish for couple things: couple T-Shirts, couple bags and erm… couple underwear are just a few, to say the least.
Honestly, it’s not hard to figure out why. One might say that it’s because they love you so much they want to be connected with you all the time, but deep down it’s really because they want to install a GPS tracker in that bag and stalk you 24/7.
How do I know? Because I’m the Wise Old Man.
So be aware of the risks, when you get a pair of matchy-matchy couple bracelets.
Well, at the very least she’ll be over the moon.
Better over than under, right?
9. Heliocare Oral Sunblock
Everyone likes the Sun because the other one’s a downer and nobody likes downers.
But you know what they say: do everything in moderation.
And trust me when I say that facing the sun 24/7 will cause a lot of problems in the long run. A lot.
Hence, if you don’t want your girlfriend to become a literal baked potato by the time she’s 40, you’ll be well-advised to get a good sunblock for her.
And guess what? I’ve got just the deal for you.
Heliocare Oral is the first oral sun protectant with clinically proven ability to prevent free radicals, premature ageing (up to 55%) and hyperpigmentation (getting tanned) caused by harmful UV rays.
It has an ingredient, Fernblock®, which is tested and clinically proven to have an excellent antioxidant property that is able to reduce free radicals by up to 50% and repair existing damage caused by exposure to UV rays.
The best part?
It’s taken orally so they don’t have to smear oily sunblock on their skin every single time they go out into the sun.
Which means lesser time for your girl to get ready. Win-win situation, yeah?
Order your own bottle of Heliocare Oral Sunblock here.
10. Your Company
Sometimes, it might not be the material goods that are so important.
A hand-written letter or a simple bunch of roses could make her day, and it probably won’t even cost more than a few bucks (Provided you go cheapo with the roses).
A candle-lit dinner, while slightly more on the expensive side, could do wonders too.
But in the end, your company might just be the thing she needs. No material items; no extravagant gifts.
So, guys, you know what to do.
Let 2017 be forever remembered as the year you made your girlfriend really happy.
Oh right, key in promo code HELXGOODY and you’ll be entitled to storewide 20% off regular priced items on Heliocare Online Store (Valid till 10 December 2017, 2359h)!
Featured Image: Shutterstock / Ljupco Smokovski