Recently, we’ve written an article on Ah-Beng jokes to help get through your Monday Blues.
My editor likes it so much that now, we’re back again with some Ah-Lian jokes. Because what is an Ah-beng without an Ah-Lian by his side?
1. 18 Friends
Why did Ah Lian go to a movie with her 18 friends?
Because she saw the sign “M18 – Below 18 not allowed”
2. Colour TV
Ah Lian wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.
Ah Lian: “You got colour TV or not ah?”
Ah Lian: “Okay, I want pink one.”
3. Expected Salary
Ah Lian is filling up an application form for a job. She supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc. Then she comes to column on “Salary Expected”, but she is not sure of the question.
After much thought, she writes ” Yes.”
4. Red Ears
Ah Lian with two red ears went to a doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, “I ironing Ah Beng’s clothes then the phone rang. I accidentally put the iron on my ear instead of my phone loh!”
“Oh dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But … what happened to the other ear?”
Ah Lian answered: “That CB kia called back la!”
5. Jigsaw Puzzle
After completing a jigsaw puzzle she had been working on for quite some time, Ah Lian proudly shows off the finished puzzle to Ah Beng.
“I only took five months to do one leh”, Ah Lian brags.
“Five months? So long leh!” Ah Beng exclaims.
“You siao arh!” Ah Lian replies, “See the box, it is written “For 4-7 Years”. I five months very fast liao sio!”
6. Knee Stockings
Ah Lian starts her first day as a sales assistant.
Customer: Hi, do you have stocking up to knee?
Ah Lian: You siao ah! Stocking wear up to ‘yeo’ (waist) only, where got up to the ‘nee’ (breast) one!
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and wanted to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. They could not understand what G meant.
Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, “Walao! How you know one?”
The first Ah Lian replied smugly, “Easy la… G for Gero mah…”
Ah Lian took part in Miss Singapore. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, “Name a drink that begins with the letter ‘G’.”
The crowd shouts,”Gin! Gin!”
Others exclaim, “No, its Grape Juice!”
Another smart aleck yells, “Alamak, Gatorade!”
Ah Lian laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, “Don’t act atas lah. Mine is confirm correct: Gu ni!” (cow milk in hokkien)
9. Famous Photos
Ah Lian always smiles during lightning storms because she thinks that someone is taking her picture.
Why can’t Ah Lian dial 999?
Because she thought that’s just the name of a TV show. She dialed 911 instead.
11. Instant Help
Ah Lian had just bought a new computer and was using it when she encountered some problems. She decided to use the ‘Help’ command. After some tries, she became irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Lian: “Where you all? I press the F1 button for help so long liao, why you all still not here in my house?”
Computer Retailer: “…”
12. Song Request
One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and requested the DJ to play the song “Ah Cheng Buey Lo Ti” (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only played English songs and asked them to request another song. “But it’s English what!” They were upset and complained to the manager that the DJ was insulting them.
After many hours of calming them down, the manager found out they were actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song, “Unchained Melody”.
13. Hawker Centre
Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a hawker centre. Ah Lian noticed the hygiene grades issued by NEA pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, “Eh, the ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’ and ‘D’ stand for what ah?”
Ah Beng snorted and said, “Aiya, this sort of thing you also dunno! ‘D’ stand for ‘delicious’, ‘C’ stand for ‘can eat’, ‘B’ stand for ‘buay sai’ (cannot) and ‘A’ stand for ‘Alamak’! So must find those ‘D’ one to makan!”
14. Andy Lau
Ah Lian: who is the seller of ‘Wang Qing Shui’ in the Andy Lau’s Wang Qing Shui song ?
Ah Beng: “Ah ha”, cos Andy sings “ah ha, gei wo yi bei wang qing shui…”
15. Lemon Tree
Ah Beng: Why did the guy walking in the middle of the road suddenly say “Aiyah, wo de jiao hen suan…”
Ah Lian: Cos he stepped on a lemon mah!
16. Job Interview
Ah Lian went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Lian’s colourful attire, his mind screamed, Not this woman!
Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Lian. So he told Ah Lian, “If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance! The words are “Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black”.”
Ah Lian thought for a while and said, “I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said, ‘Yellow, blue’s that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don’t purple-ly disturb people and don’t call black, ok?'”
Ah Lian got the job.
17. Thermos Flask
Ah Lian goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Lian: “What is that shiny object ?”
Salesgirl: “That is a thermos flask. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold”
Ah Lian bought it. The next day, Ah Lian goes to work with her thermo flask. She put two cups of cold Coke and a hot coffee into the flask, and when it did not “work”, she asked for a refund.
18. Double-decker Bus
Ah Lian and her friend board a double-decker bus. Her friend gets a seat downstairs and Ah Lian goes upstairs.
After a while, her friend goes upstairs to look for Ah Lian and finds her clutching the seats in both hands and her body is shivering.
Her friend: “What happened? Why you so scared for what? Downstairs quite shiok one.”
Ah Lian: “Alamak you! You got a driver downstairs but upstairs don’t have. Scary leh.”
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19. Big Picture
Ah Lian calls Ah Beng over the telephone because she is having difficulty with her jigsaw puzzle.
Beng: “Jig saw puzzle si mi picture arh?”
Lian: ” The box show a big rooster”
Beng: “Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to hepchu, lah.”
Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian’s place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.
When Ah Beng sees the box, he says, “This one not easy. I think I call Ah Seng here to help.”
Here’s the box.
20. Date Night
After their date, Ah Beng and Ah Lian walked to the bus stop. She saw her bus arriving and dashed to catch it, leaving Ah Beng behind. As the bus doors opened, Ah Lian looked back to see Ah Beng desperately miming a steering wheel – he’ll drive her home instead. Ah Lian responded by repeatedly pointing to her boobs and then at her head. The bus sped off.
Later that night, Ah Beng angrily called Ah Lian for an explanation: “Why you never wait?! You cannot see me giving you signal meh?”
Ah Lian replied, “Huh, where got? I got give you back signal mah. I say “neh-mind, neh-mind” what!”
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