Lifestyle

Here’s a Day in the Life of a Yishun Resident, Because #YishunisCursed

2017-02-07 , 6:11 pm

Last Updated on 2017-05-27 , 5:31 pm

Disclaimer: THIS IS SATIRE. No offence to actual residents (I really used to be one! 😀 ).

Ever wondered what it’s like to live in the land of mysteries and legend known as Yishun Town?

I’m just an ordinary resident of the apparently infamous Yishun Town, located in the northern parts of Singapore. It’s quite baffling how the rest of the country sees us: as a hotspot for hauntings, a cradle for crime, or a mess massdrop meeting place (??) for murder (Sorry, ‘M’ words are quite difficult to find).

In fact, Yishun Town is actually a rather pleasant and normal place to live in.

Here’s a look into an average day in my life. You’ll see it’s perfectly ordinary.

Morning:

My daily routines begin early. I wake up before 7 a.m. to beat the morning commuting crowd. I grab my backpack with my daily work necessities, and leave the house at exactly 7 a.m. to grab a quick breakfast at the local coffee shop.

As I step out of the flat, I see three dead cats lying spread-eagled along the corridor. This is rather normal, and the monthly cleaner will deal with it. No biggie. I shrug, and head down the lifts.

It’s just like any other pest problem, really. Some flats have rat infestations, others have cockroaches, and we have a dead cat problem . You wouldn’t go around complaining of some madman putting roaches and rats near your flat, would you? You just call the exterminator.

I sit down at the coffee shop, and two rows down, the floor tiles erupt suddenly. A couple of residents around me looked at the commotion, and some clapped. I followed suit. This is obviously some fancy art thing done by the Government, so nothing to worry about.

After my breakfast, I head to work by bus.

On the way, the bus stops unexpectedly, and the driver calls for the passengers to alight immediately. What? No way. I’m going to be late for work. Apparently, the bus is ‘on fire’ . Meh. The other passengers seem to agree with me, and remain seated.

Only after the driver runs out of the bus and starts spraying the vehicle with an extinguisher, do we finally reluctantly alight.

Suddenly, thick black smoke and a large column of flame engulf the vehicle. Pretty.

Noon:

Lunch break. On the way to the coffee shop, I encounter the community mascot, a 1.5m long monitor lizard that appeared two weeks ago. It hisses menacingly at me, and I offer a friendly wave.

Two blocks down, I hear a short scream, and a body flies down from above, landing on the pavement with a crack. I sigh, silently wishing the cleaners good luck.

At the coffee shop, I am approached by a couple of the friendly runners for the numerous brothels and drug rings around the estate. They offer me cheap drugs and cheap prostitutes. Unfortunately, my lunch break doesn’t last long enough.

Evening:

Ah, finally the end of the work day. I pack up my things, and leave the apartment. I guess I have to leave the cleaning up for tomorrow. It takes longer than you think to get blood off the walls and floors .

After I get home, I take the time before I sleep to prepare my equipment for the next day. I pull out my trusty axe, and spends the next two hours cleaning off the blood and sharpening the blade, before hanging it up in my axe closet.

See, I really don’t understand why people feel so much trepidation about Yishun. So it’s a little quaint, and the coffee is slightly more expensive than your average coffee shop, but it’s at least quiet (you’ll get used to the very occasional screams). In fact, we could do with more people moving in! Too many of our neighbours have left us, and a lot of the flats are empty.

They’re really affordable, and just require some scrubbing for the blood.

Please do visit us! I’ll be happy to show you around when I’m working.

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This article was first published on Goodyfeed.com

Featured image: mnd.gov.sg

Here’s a Day in the Life of a Yishun Resident, Because #YishunisCursed

Morning:

Noon:

Evening:

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