I have a confession to make.
I’ve been scammed.
That’s the reason why I’ve been avoiding you. Not because you have a boyfriend.
Definitely not because of that. Oh hell no.
But before I reveal everything to you, I have to tell you how everything started.
It all started on that faithful day…
28 September 2017
I saw you in the school hallway. How do I put this…? It was love at first sight. Your silky black hair… your lovely elfin facial features… your impeccable dress sense…
You were like an angel, you know? Just perfect.
It was then that Cupid shot an arrow into my belly. Don’t ask me why he didn’t shoot into my heart.
And I knew; I had to have you for dinner – I mean as my girlfriend.
Well, as any proper gentlemanly male individual would do, I proceeded to stalk you on Facebook.
But it was hard.
Until the dude sitting next to me in class decided to kay poh.
“Eh, bro, what are you looking at?” he asked.
Startled, I slammed my laptop shut.
“No…nothing…” I stammered, trying to avoid eye contact.
“Hmm…?” He stared at me in that horrible knowing way. Did he latch on to me? Am I about to be exposed? Ahhh help me Guan Yin Ma Ma!
“Hey, bro, relax,” he said. “I’m a guy too. I’ve done that kind of shit before.”
I didn’t believe him. Not one bit. I didn’t like anything about him, from his Armani hairstyle to his Aldo shoes. What a fake.
It must have shown on my face, because he continued, “I see you don’t believe me. Alright cool.” He shrugged, before turning back. “I could have helped you find that girl though…”
“Teach me!” I burst out involuntarily. I regretted it instantaneously, when he smirked at me.
“Alright, let’s get to it then.” He cracked his knuckles, opened my laptop and started to type. “Let’s see… how does she look like…?”
I furrowed my eyebrows, before sighing. As much as I detested Armani hairstyles, I would have to entrust my entire future to him.
For the sake of my dream girl.
“She’s… really pretty…” I began to describe. “She wore denim when I saw her, with polka dot underwear…”
He looked at me.
“What?” I asked. “Polka dot’s cool alright?”
It was a lovely day. The sun was bright; the birds and bees were humming; flowers seemed to serenade my presence.
Best of all? I’ve located my dream girl’s Facebook profile: Diana Ong. All thanks to my new bestie. I always knew Armani guys were the best.
I saved all of your Facebook images, compiled them into a collage and set it as my wallpaper.
Now, you truly are mine.
“Man, you’re so prettyyyyy…” I gushed as I stared at my laptop.
But something unexpected happened. You came across me. With your group of happy tree friends.
There was another guy who had a black Polo Tee. His physique seemed kind of familiar, but I was too jumpy to notice his face.
You know the rest; I was so shocked that I ran away, and I even had to double back to collect my bag. It was so embarrassing.
When I reached my dormitory, I broke down. How could I ever face you again? You must have been disgusted at me!
It was a sad night. Thank goodness I had my Ben & Jerry Ice Cream tubs to accompany me. The toilet was clogged the next morning, but it was worth it. Kinda.
02 Oct 2017
I was listlessly stalking your feed when I chanced upon your latest post.
I couldn’t believe it. Was this it?
Alright, you’re not going to believe this next part.
But Jay Chou himself materialized out of thin air, and beckoned to me.
“Andy, this is your chance,” he whispered. “Do something.”
I knew I had to do something. I had to make it up to you. I had to restore your impression of me.
“I know!” I exclaimed. “I will get two tickets, one for her and one for me!”
I phoned my Armani bestie, and asked him for advice.
“Hmm… Carousell is a pretty good site for that,” he said. “It’s worth a try.”
“Right, thanks bro!” I giggled.
I smiled as I put down my phone. What a great guy! Armani guys are so cool!
Following his recommendation, I logged onto Carousell, and tried looking for listings under ‘Jay Chou Concert’.
My eyes widened; ticket prices were insanely high. Even after a long period of filtering, the lowest was S$400.
“You kidding me?” I muttered. “That’s my entire life savings!”
But I gritted my teeth.
“For Diana,” I whispered.
Taking a deep breath, I set about contacting the seller.
Once that was done, I had to figure out a way to let you know about it.
Excited, I followed – happened to see you in school, and anxiously passed you a note.
I thought long and hard on what to write, but in the end decided to pen a short and concise one.
Honestly, my heart was going badump-badump all the while. I didn’t even wait to see your reaction, because I was afraid of what I would see.
But one thing’s for sure: I was really looking forward to our date.
Yet… everything proved to be for naught.
It was all… a scam.
I transferred the money to the ticket seller, and he responded by saying that he will check his account.
Now, don’t blame me yet: I wanted to meet him to do a cash on delivery. But he told me that there’s huge demand for it, and that if I didn’t transfer it within the next hour, someone else might have got it.
Anything for you, I thought. I mean, spend $800 to marry a girl like you?
Totally worth it, I’m telling you (not that I’m putting a value on you, because you’re priceless).
I did the transfer within two minutes, like how Jay Chou always told others to give him two minutes.
The seller then told me that he would check his account, and once he has confirmed, he would mail the ticket to me or pass it to me personally.
By then, I was already deciding on when we should have our wedding vows, where we should hold our wedding dinner and which BTO we should apply.
There was no reply, even after two days.
That was when I realised I’ve screwed up. Big time.
I’ve been scammed. I should have followed Jay Chou’s advice of 听妈妈的话, but I didn’t.
How was I supposed to face you on Friday? How was I supposed to break the news to you? “Hi, sorry, I’ve been scammed?” “Hi, sorry, it was all a joke?”
I had to do something. I had to explain everything to you.
“Well, I can sing…” I mused. “But a fat load of help that will be…”
Or is it?
I froze; it was like a ray of light was shining on me.
“Hey, sorry to interrupt your mumbling bro,” someone said. “It’s getting kind of dark in here so I had to on the light.”
I didn’t even hear that, because I just thought up an absolutely earth-shattering idea.
“Wait… this might be it!”
06 Oct 2017
Time was ticking down.
As my keyboard lay before me, I sat on my stone stool like how Mozart does, and waited for my audience to arrive.
When you did, I was actually pretty nervous. But I tried my best not to show it.
I even put my finger to your lips. Sorry, just wanna say that I didn’t wash my hands after going to the toilet.
Anyway, I performed a ballad for you. I sang about my troubles, about the scam and how I felt really sad about it.
But imagine my delight when you said I sang better than Jay Chou (IKR)! Imagine my fervour when you said that you wanted to eat me – I meant, eat with me!
And then it happened; you dropped a stink bomb.
You sing better than my boyfriend…
My world just fell apart. But before I fully crumbled, I had to know.
“Who… who’s the guy?” I mumbled.
You smiled. “Oh, you’ve seen him before. He was with us the first time I met you.”
My eyebrows furrowed. Was he there?
“Was it the Indian guy?”
You shook your head. “No.”
I tried to recall. There was indeed another guy, but why can’t I remember the face…?
“Was he wearing a black Polo tee?” I questioned.
“Yeah, that’s the one!” you replied. “Oh wait, which class are you in again?”
You looked excited. “But that’s such a coincidence. He’s in that class too!”
And then all the pieces fit together. That familiar physique…
“Does he usually sport an old-fashioned Armani hairstyle, and wear cheapskate Aldo shoes?”
“Yep, that’s the one!”
My world crashed. Again.
I’ve been betrayed. All this while, it was a trap.
“That son of a gun…” I seethed, before collapsing onto my keyboard.
After that incident, I’ve since lodged two police reports: one for the scam, and one for my broken heart. Unfortunately, they didn’t entertain the second one.
Diana… I just want you to know…
By the time you see this note, I would have been long gone.
Alright maybe not. I can’t just drop out of school halfway. My parents will murder me when I’m asleep.
But do not misunderstand me; I’m not trying to sabotage your relationship with this note. Rather, I just want to let you know how I felt, and how everything went down.
Honestly, I’m genuinely happy that your relationship’s going well, and I hope that it will continue to do so.
However, should your boyfriend be involved in some freak accident and get a speed rail ticket to the 18 gates of hell, remember this.
I’ll always be there, waiting for you.
Andy Lau Mua Mua
P.s. don’t ever get scammed, like me.
P.s.s. you’ve got poor taste, babe.
P.s.s.s. BTW when is your boyfriend breaking up with you?
P.s.s.s.s. That IG shot you took on 11 November 2014 was great.
P.s.s.s.s.s. Someone made a video of our story here:
This article was first published on goodyfeed.com and is written in collaboration with Singapore Police Force (Bukit Batok NPC).