Rape Victim Wrote in to Teenage Magazine for Advice, Got Blamed for Letting it Happen Instead

When it comes to magazines, we generally hold a lot of trust in them. After all, they seemed more legit compared to online sites, right? And they are socially responsible, well aware of the impact of their words. Maybe not.

Teenage magazine has been around since 1988 and the Dear Kelly column has been around for 30 years.

“I just want to die, Kelly.”

A Facebook user, Sara Janelle, uploaded images of a Dear Kelly column she saw in the magazine.

After reading that, most if not all of you might have some sympathy for the girl. But not Kelly, though.

You acted like a girl who has been around

And it gets worse. 

Kelly even understands where the guy is coming from.

A case of two teens totally misunderstanding each other

And of course, because this is an advice column (obviously), she just has to end with some quality and comforting (maybe) advice.

The internet erupted

Of course, you can imagine the outrage that erupted after this went viral on Facebook. Netizens stomped the (virtual) front door of Teenage Magazine demanding an explanation.

We are sorry for Kelly’s Tough Love & No-Nonsense Advice

The Official Teenage Magazine came forward and issued an apology for the distress they have caused both the poor girl and the public.

Here’s the full excerpt of their apology:

Hi everyone,

For those who aren’t too familiar with Teenage, the Dear Kelly advice column has always been an open space for troubled teenagers to share their stories and in turn, receive Kelly’s tough love, and no-nonsense advice. She is a qualified professional who has many years of experience counselling youths. We treat each story very seriously.

Here, we address the letter titled “Raped After Lying To Mum”. Many of you have raised concerns that Kelly’s response swayed towards victim-blaming and condonation of rape. It is to be stated that Teenage does not condone rape or victim-shaming in any way.

Before we share Kelly’s response on the matter, we would like to deeply apologise. Kelly’s reply was largely focused on helping vulnerable girls understand the need to not place themselves in risky situations despite knowing the possible consequences. In no way does this mean that they deserve to be blamed. It simply means that they have to know how to protect themselves in a society where the definition of consent is still unclear to many.

We did not have the intention of playing a role in victim-blaming or to lead to the impression that we think that rape is acceptable. It is not.

Amidst everything, we are glad that this issue was highlighted because this invites discussion about an important issue. Amongst the heated comments that we have received, we are glad to see that they all carry the same message: that rape victims should never be blamed. This discussion is overdue. Our society has to talk about consent. About how ‘No’ means ‘No’. About how the gesture of pushing away someone else’s advances should not be confused as playing hard to get, amongst other indications of unwillingness. For girls, to recognise situations that they could avoid or at the very least, be wary of. For guys to know that intimacy should never be forced – especially if the other party is inebriated. This is an important conversation to be continued.

We would like to make amends. By continuously speaking out and raising awareness about youth issues that have long been swept under the rug. Starting with this.

We sincerely apologise. As we learn from this, we can only hope that the teenagers who are reading this can take away the true lesson of this entire experience. Firstly, to be aware of dangerous situations, to be aware of and understand consent and what it truly means. Secondly, to always handle such issues with sensitivity, tact and social awareness. Moving forward, we will continue to place the well-being of youth above all else. Once again, we deeply apologise for all the distress we have caused.

Sincerely,
The Teenage Team

Netizens not impressed with their apology

Many felt that the apology was not sincere.

And wondered at the qualifications of this “Kelly”.

And of course, the elusive Kelly had to step forward to appease the masses.

I sincerely apologise if my response to “Raped after lying to mum” came across as harsh and “blaming the victim”. Please believe me when I say I am profoundly sorry for teenagers who are vulnerable and often “naïve” as I stressed, more than once, in my response in this case. I stated, “Your total naivety led you to believe you were having a sleepover with a best buddy. I totally believe you had no idea that he had sex on his mind. It is most unfortunate for you”.

My response takes into consideration our many readers who seek direction so they will not find themselves in a similar situation. I have to adopt a particular tone so as to make sure the writer does not engage in such risky behaviour again, and this is also aimed at warning readers of the consequences they face should they engage in risky behaviour.

Throughout my response I never blamed her. I said she was “naïve”. My focus was for her, and our readers, to learn that certain actions have consequences and I wanted to stress, “… never lie to your parents”. I pointed out the dangers of no one knowing where she was, even saying how worried her mum and the best friend would have been if they tried to phone her and got no response because she was under the influence of liquor and “he would not have answered it”.

I was focusing on the danger this girl put herself in. I focused on helping her see that her behaviour sent the wrong message to the guy. She honestly stated that the guy never lied to her. “… He said his parents were going away and asked me to stay over, I said yes”. She admitted she knew they have no maid.

I wanted everyone to know the danger of sending the wrong signals. He definitely got the wrong signals. When she arrived she says, “He grabbed me and kissed me”. I said she should have left but stated, “However, I believe you didn’t have a clue what he had in store for you”. Again there is no blaming her.

Again, I stated this because I know she was hurting but I have to put across the point that such behaviour obviously gave the guy the wrong idea as he knew she knew, “there was not going to be adult supervision or even anyone else present”. This point is important for the girl, as well as readers, so they get guidelines on how to behave so they don’t send the wrong signals. I try to write in such a way as to stress that care must always be taken so as not to find oneself in a venerable position.

There is no intention of “victim blaming”, just an attempt to point out that one’s actions have consequences and the sad fact, for me who really cares for everyone writing in, is that many young people today take risks and put themselves in precarious situations resulting in unhappy outcomes.

No one can be more sorry for this girl than I. I believe what hurt most was his casual dismissal of her but I was careful NOT to dwell on this so as not to cause her further pain. I tried not to highlight what was going through the guy’s mind. I was careful to downplay his point-of-view so as to spare her additional pain.

I genuinely care for my readers and over the years we have built a warm caring relationship, but I never underplay the seriousness of certain actions that could have negative consequences.

At the end of each issue of the Dear Kelly column is this statement: “Teenage DOES NOT condone pre-marital sex. Also included is a list of relevant associations, with contact details, should anyone seek counselling.

I try my best to help those who need a listening ear and I am gravely sorry that this response has garnered a negative response. I sincerely apologise if my response has upset readers but I hope, after reading this explanation, you will understand where I am coming from. My readers know they mean a lot to me.

Kelly

After qualifying as a teacher, Kelly Chopard went on to attend several counselling courses. Over the past 30 years, she has been invited to sit on panels and discussion groups, give talks and has thought modules dealing with youth issues. She counsels primary and secondary school pupils. She also engages in parent-pupil counselling sessions. In the 1970s, she was a member of the People’s Association Team counselling young adults in areas like drugs, smoking and other health and social issues. From 1979 to 1983 he had a counselling column in a local woman’s magazine. Since 1996 she has been responding to Teenage readers in her Dear Kelly column. 

Of course, netizens were even lesser impressed with her words.

Yes, we can safely conclude that shit has hit the fan for dear Kelly.

**All images from The Official Teenage Magazine Facebook page unless otherwise stated.

Feature Image: Sara Janelle Facebook

This article was first published on goodyfeed.com