Okay, I need you to imagine this: you’re the first to be in the office, and one of your colleagues enters. She looks like…this.
I bet 99% of you would say this: “Eh, got theme today? Better go wash up before the boss comes.” And I bet the remaining 1% will just continue with your work, because #deadline
Let’s face it: we might love zombie shows, but none of us believes it’ll really happen in real life. I’ve done a comprehensive research (i.e. Googling) pertaining to this subject, and guess what: the chance of that happening is 0%, although there’s a real Pentagon document that plans how to battle during a zombie apocalypse (wait, what!?).
But…what if it really happens to Singapore? Well, well, well. We don’t need a plan, because these would confirm-plus-chop happen:
People Would Want to Take Selfie with You First Before Anything
What word comes to your mind when you see a zombie like the one above walking towards you? Instagram. Oh, come on, don’t deny. That dude is going to garner lots of Likes!
Any clear-minded Singaporean would ask for a wefie with you once you’ve become an undead. And lest they need it, here’re the hashtags you can suggest to them: #zombiesg #sgzombie #undeadinsg
You’re most welcome.
You’ll Ask for Permission Before Attacking Anyone
Look at the guy above. No, seriously, stare at him. And then imagine that his arms are extended and he says in the softest voice ever, “Bro, can eat you? I hungry.” That’s so Singaporean.
Singaporeans are conditioned to seek permission before doing anything, and I’m sure even when your brain is rotting, you won’t forget the traits you’ve learned. I just can’t imagine what you’ll do when someone replies, “No, cannot.” Actually, I can. It’s in #9.
You’ll Only Eat The Brain of a Smart Person
In the crazily popular zombie drama iZOMBiE, a zombie (and a beautiful one, in fact) needs to consume human brains in order to stay sane. And when she eats one, she’ll temporarily inherit some of their personality traits and experience flashbacks of their life.
Well, so as a kiasu and picky Singaporean, you’ll want to eat good brains. But then again, not I say one. Check this out.
Google says one.
Queuing up for the Good Brains (Foods)
Singaporeans take their food seriously. Very seriously. It’s common to see tens of hungry Singaporeans queuing up just for a plate of char kway teow, so it’ll be common to see tens of hungry Singaporean zombies queuing for a piece of my brain—I mean, queuing for a piece of a smart person’s brain.
After all, like what a wise man once said, “We’ll rather starve than to have yucky food.”
You’ll be Stomped. Stomped. And Stomped.
Over in other countries, you’ll be stomped by foot, but in Singapore, you’ll be Stomped by a smartphone. I mean, after taking a wefie with you, what were you expecting? You honestly think they’ll be contented with more Instagram Likes? In order to get popular, they need to be in Stomp.
Here’s an advice: wear something nice when you’ve become a zombie. You’ll most likely be seen by more people than you can imagine.
You’ll Receive Sales Calls. MANY Sales Calls
Singapore is so competitive that everyone is selling everything. I’m pretty sure the moment you become a zombie, there’ll be an insurance policy catered just for you, and you’ll receive countless sales calls.
Like what another wise man once said, “A salesperson won’t be afraid of anything to get the sale.” Even if you’re a zombie.
You’ll Still Receive Your SAF100 (if you’re a guy)
According to the Mindef website, here’re the considerations for a deferment application:
– New employment or newly established business
– Marriage and Honeymoon
– Compassionate grounds (e.g. wife’s delivery, serious illness or death in the family)
No mention of becoming a zombie. So you’ll still have to attend your reservist, my dear zombie friend. After all, you’re not going to be the only zombie there (get it?).
Your Smart-Alec Friends will Tell You What to Do
So, in the movie World War Z, Bread Pig has to analyse zombies’ behaviour before coming out with a solution to counter them. Well, not for Singaporeans. We Smart-Alec will say things like, “Oh, I’ve watched iZOMBiE, so what you need is to eat brains and you won’t go gila!”
I’m not saying we’re smart-alec, but let’s face it: we all like to sound smart. Like spelling Bad Pit’s name as Bread Pig.
You’ll Blame the Government
You’ll go online, and you’ll say things like “70% of the population voted for this.” Did we really vote for a zombie apocalypse?
But then again, when something goes wrong, who else can we blame? The Government should have built the wall around Yishun long ago, shouldn’t they? If Sembawang has refused to pay, they should have just got Ang Mo Kio to pay for it.
Seriously, This Will Happen
We don’t need to imagine anymore: these would happen. Lest you’re too scared to watch it, here’re the responses to a zombie in Singapore: laugh, smile and lots of staring #toomuchtruth #seeItoldyou
P.S. The stares by passers-by are way scarier than the zombie.
Now, if you now have a different mindset about zombies (you know, like they could be cute instead of scary), you’re not alone. Zombies have evolved from the mindless jumping ones (old Chinese movies) to the slow-moving ones (Resident Evil…the old ones) to the ones that ace their IPPT (those in Train to Busan).
Now, they’ve become one that could really add in some comedic effect, like the one in iZOMBiE. If you’ve been watching it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s a comedy drama about a woman (have I mentioned that she’s really very, very, very beautiful?) who became a zombie, and has to eat brains to remain sane. She therefore works in a morgue and consumes the brains of the corpses she autopsies.
However, whenever she eats the brain (oh, she’ll turn them into different cuisines because #zombiesalsowantgoodfood), she’ll get the memories and traits of the person, so she uses this “ability” to help solve murder cases.
The reviews for the series have been…apocalyptically crazy, at an approval rate of 96% in Rotten Tomatoes. That’s almost phenomenal, because even the highly popular drama LOST (which is my all-time favourite even until today) is only at an approval rate of 86%.
The third season of iZOMBiE will premiere on 5 April 2017 at 9:50 p.m. on Warner TV channel, which is the same day as the U.S. Warner TV is available on Singtel TV CH 306 & StarHub TV CH 515.
Now, as you wait for the latest episode, you can play this brainless game, iZombie Snack Time, that’ll let you pick up brains.
In fact, if you get the highest score with this brainless game, you’ll even receive real prizes, like this (isn’t that zombie oh-so-cute?!):
The contest will be from 5 April 2017 to 4 May 2017.
Now, please excuse me as I start on this brainless game.
Featured Image: leolintang / Shutterstock.com
This article was first published on goodyfeed.com and is written in collaboration with WarnerTV Asia.