The other day, I heard my Aunt Matilda ask this random buff dude on the street:
“Hey, why are you working so hard in the gym? It’s not like you’re going to get a girlfriend right”
However, rather than being affronted, the buff dude calmly asked back:
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“Why do you think I work so hard in the gym?”
In response, Aunt Matilda blatantly checked the buff guy out, and I felt like if the roles were reversed we would have a definite court case on the way.
“I don’t know; to make yourself feel better? To attract guys? Or perhaps, to better jerk-”
“No, you’re wrong. I head to the gym because I want to be strong. To protect. And most importantly, I want to be able to withstand tough hits, like the Austrian oak himself.”
“Sorry, what? You gave your morning wood a name?”
“No, you dumb *****, it’s Arnold Schwarzenneger’s nickname back in his heydays. Here, watch this video for yourself.”
“What, a video of you playing with-?”
“JUST STFU AND WATCH IT.”
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“Psshh, fine, if you so insist.”
After watching the video, Aunt Matilda was strangely quiet.
“Do you see it now?” the buff guy asked softly. “He’s… the reason why we slog so hard in the gym. The Austrian Oak… that’s our dream.” And with that, he walked off into the sunset.
We looked at his back, a massive trunk crackling with veins.
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“Aunt Matilda?”
“Yeah?”
“Is the Austrian Oak really that strong?”
There was a pause.
“Yeah, he is,” she said.
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“Stronger than your morning wood, that’s for sure.”
Power of the Austrian Oak
Lest you haven’t caught on already, Arnold Schwarzenegger recently found himself the ‘victim’ of a vicious dropkick, just as he was busy snap chatting up-and-coming athletes at the Arnold Classic Africa sports festival in Johannesburg.
But if you’ve genuinely not caught on, here’s another angle to showcase the brilliance of the Austrian Oak:
And if you have to share the video (I get it), pick a blurry one without whatever he was yelling so he doesn’t get the spotlight.
By the way… block or charge? pic.twitter.com/TEmFRCZPEA
— Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) May 18, 2019
But here’s the thing
While everyday people would have surely felt the brunt of a drop kick like that, Arnold Schwarzenegger apparently didn’t. In fact, to him, it was not so much of a dropkick, but a rough jostle by the crowd.
Thanks for your concerns, but there is nothing to worry about. I thought I was just jostled by the crowd, which happens a lot. I only realized I was kicked when I saw the video like all of you. I’m just glad the idiot didn’t interrupt my Snapchat.
— Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) May 18, 2019
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And yeah, you saw that right. Snapchat takes precedence over such minor stuff as a dropkick.
Legend.
And here’s another thing
While everyday people would’ve surely gotten enraged at such unprovoked (and seemingly fame-calling) attacks, the Austrian Oak was different. Way different. Rather than slap a lawsuit on the kid’s ass faster than the Flash performs in bed, Arnold chose to be the bigger man.
Update: A lot of you have asked, but I’m not pressing charges. I hope this was a wake-up call, and he gets his life on the right track. But I’m moving on and I’d rather focus on the thousands of great athletes I met at @ArnoldSports Africa.
— Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) May 19, 2019
Instead, he asked Netizens to focus on a seemingly more important aspect:
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Do me a favor: instead of sharing the video of the guy who wants to be famous, watch some of our @ArnoldSports athletes like this young hero proving that fitness is for everyone who deserve to be famous. They’re on my Snapchat. pic.twitter.com/EuMynJ7t1n
— Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) May 18, 2019
Which just about, in the Netizens’ eyes at least, cements the guy’s status as a living legend.
Image: TwitterThough naturally, some have also lauded his formidable “Terminator-like” presence.
But then again… what else could you possibly expect from the man who made Terminator a classic franchise?
The man, the legend…
Arnold Schwarzenegger, everyone.
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