Town Council Put Up Advisory to Stop People From Putting ‘Nose Shit’ on Lift Buttons

Back when I first joined Goody Feed, my charismatic boss assured me one thing:

“You’ll only be entrusted with the best, world-changing topics. Nothing more, nothing less.”

And I smiled, grinning like a Cheshire cat from ear to ear.

“Thank you boss!”

Fast forward a couple of years, and my boss entrusted me with the earth-shattering topic that was:

“Town Council Put Up Advisory to Stop People From Putting ‘Nose Shit’ on Lift Buttons”

So earth-shattering, in fact, that I couldn’t help but whine:

“How’s this world-changing?”

And my boss simply turned to me and clapped a hand on my shoulder.

“It might not be world-changing to you…but it’s world-changing to someone constantly pressing lift buttons… fearing that they’ll kena dried nose shit one day.”

Town Council Put Up Advisory to Stop People From Putting ‘Nose Shit’ on Lift Buttons

Yes, folks, this is a legit article headline.

I kid you not.

So anyway, a notice has been put up by the Marsiling-Yew Tee Town Council, informing residents not of impending dangers to society or even Godzilla’s possible entrance, but…

The reassuring news that someone has been leaving their dried nose shit on HDB lift buttons.

Lest you can’t read, here’s a transcript for your reference:

“Dear Residents,

The Town Council has received feedback that there has been an unhygienic act of someone putting their bogey onto the lift buttons.

Such acts not only dirtied the lifts but has also caused much inconvenience to other users.

We do not tolerate such inconsiderate action. Therefore, we will not hesitate to take necessary actions against the person caught committing such act and refer it to the relevant agencies.

If you witnessed anyone committing such act or have information on this issue, please contact Malcolm at ******** or Shakil at ********.

Thank you.”

*End of transcript*

Simply put, someone has been donating their hard-earned nose shit to the lift buttons in an elevator, and the acts have attracted the attention of users as well as the subsequent acknowledgement of the Town Council.

While nose shit lovers might be a thing, the Town Council evidently isn’t, as they’ve warned future offenders from committing such related crimes.

To end off, they appealed to witnesses for information and thanked everyone for reading the notice.

And so… now what?

Recently, Singapore has been arrested by quite a few ‘riveting’ pieces of elevator news, ranging from lift repair mishaps to public indecency.

Yet, even so, we have no doubt that the article you just read was the shittiest.

Literally.

And so, we just wanna end off with a saying by the Wise Old Man himself:

“Keep your hands to yourself when around attractive members of the opposite gender…

And your boogers to yourself when around elevator lift buttons.”

You’ve been warned.